I have been away from here a long time. Although I have tried to keep up on the reading. I have found that lately I have been having a hard time keeping interest in things that I once very much enjoyed. such as going out to the favorite drinking hole, making my pottery, hanging with friends and just things in general. I lost my room mate/best friend. ex-partner on August 16,2009 at 06:10a.m. To date it has been the most horrifying experience of my life. Thankfully I have a good strong support group and things have gone well so far. Much better than my family thought it would have gone. I am slowly starting to get back to the regular routine of my life. I have begun working a total of 120 hours a week between my full time job, my part time job and the pottery making thing. I am hoping that I have enough product to justify setting up a booth at Hibearnation this year. This is an event I very much enjoy and hope to again this year. this will the extent of this post as I have a tendancy to go on a bit too much at times.

it took forever to get him into the truck today to get him to chemo, but finally did it. 0nce we arrived I got him into a wheelchair and took him inside the door so that I could move my truck, upon exiting the building a short morbidly obese black woman trash talks me about taking too much time, I said very little to her, but I hope when she meets Her jesus it is a short visit.
got to the lab and the lady behind the window marked him off the list, so we waited too long. I finally asked what was going on and she asked me to have a seat. I said he needs to have blood drawn and you have him marked off. the nurse behind the lady finally straightened her out and before I could take the 5-8 steps to the waiting area they called his name. After blood draw we went to the doc's appt at which time we learn his platelettes are too low to get a treatment. DAMMIT! he gets so disappointed whent this happens. me too.

Something that has been bothering me as well is the expressions and gasps we hear and see when I wheel him into the waiting area of the lab. I am not sure how to take it anymore. I know some of these people are diagnosed with a cancer of some type and may be affraid that they will some day look like him. there wasone lady there who was affraid to even enter the waiting area.

It hurts a lot to see people behave this way, but I suppose I can both sides of this particular coin.

to all, I say tellyour friends and family how much they mean to you everyday. Seriously, you never know what day is the last day you have with them.

CANCER SUCKS!!! (and not in a good way.)
yeah go ahead and quote me. however I read it off of pin at the hospital today. Chemo another reason to hate Mondays.
he's down to 139 lbs. I am scared to death.

My room mate, My ex, My friend is in the hospital. He is not well and has not been well for a long long time. I am worried, scared and lost. I want him to come home.

I had forgotten to make a post yesterday, about yesterday. I have been taking a lot of time off from my full time job ,of forcing people to live, so that I do not lose any of my vacation time I have acrued. All this month I have taken Sunday nights off meaning I only had to work two days a week all month. I also took the first week of March off to visit my mother and celebrate my birthday. niiiiiccccee. Anyway yesterday I had gone into the warehouse, my part time job, and helped make a few deliveries then I was off until I had to be at my full time job at 9pm that evening. So I decided I would go to the Mo. Botanical Gardens and I am very happy that I did. The cherry trees in the Japanise garden were incredible, got to feed the huge koi as well. Took tons of pics but still unable to upload them due to not having a computer in home. crap, gotta fix that. It was good exercise and a great day to be outside. The gardens are a great place to go and relax.

Saturday was slow to get started, I ended up going to JJ's and practicing darts a bit, stayed for the bears meeting that evening and then went home and went to bed early. Sunday morning I was up early, showered and drove down to go fishig with one of my younger brothers, I got there just after 8am and we were on the lake by 9am. Initially we were fishing for crappie, but ended up catching a boat load of bass, good eatin' size bass. I ended up catching the only crappie of the day and it was a pretty good size one to boot. We were suppose to go to our youngest brother's birthday party for his grandson, but was doing so well on the lake we didn't make it. It was for the better of all anyway, as it was held at one of the local legion halls and I really didn't want to deal with a lot of extended family members. You see I come from a large family, nine of in all, and there to this day is a lot of rivalry going on especially with the older siblings and it always ends up with a lot of people bickering about silly stuff. the lake was better, cold in the beginning but a better atmosphere none the less. In the end I got to see my youngest brother at his house and had dinner with his family, the birthday boy showed up and really liked his gifts, stuffed monkey and a blow-up charlie brown chair. After dinner I headed home headed home, it's about an hour and half drive.

I went to my mother's for my birthday this year, thought I could use the rest and relaxation. As it turns out, it was a very peaceful time. I seem to sleep so much better down in the boothills than here. We played a lot of Scrabble, went to eat at two of our favorite restraunts and watched a lot of television, more than I watch in a two period here.
When I got home I went directly to work at the warehouse. The economic status of the nation is showing it's effect there for sure. Had a "date" with a big furry handsome fella, purely platonic as he is partnered, but had a good time none-the-less. this happened on Saturday. got up early to go to the studio on Sunday morning and glazed a few large pieces I made the previous week. Came home to fine out that my "roommate" aka ex partner's life expectancy had decreased substantially. The doctor believes he has pnumonia(?) and with his stats as they are is deadly. I am very worried and fearful I will lose him much much sooner than I had ever thought. Needless to say my ability to focus on any particular thing is impossible at the moment. He was my first LTR with a man, and still is very much a huge part of my life and the whole reason I live in this area.

I did my crazy Monday schedule again this week. I work from 9p sunday night until 1pm today. I got home just before three after running some errands that could not wait, crawled into bed (alone) at shortly affter three and was up and getting ready for work again at 07:07 pm. I obviously make it to work as I am entering this now. WOW! I am a bit tired but at least I can go home in the morning and finish the pottery I did on monday and then get to bed.

I got off work this morning at the usual time and did not have to go to work at the warehouse, yippeeeee!!!! So I went home, let the boyz out for a bit. changed into some comfortable clothes, let the boyz back in and gave them their treats. from there I went downstairs into the chilly basement, sat down at the ole potter's wheel and produced the beginning of 18 mugs. It felt so good to get my hands back in clay and it had done wonders for my soul as well. All is well in my little corner of the world, well for now anyway. he he he

This past Saturday I had the honor of tending bar for Charity. this is something the ShowMeBears do every Saturday at JJ's our home bar. I had decided to bring in few things and have drawings every hour. I think it went well. some of things in the drawing was flavored lubes, a couple of my wheel thrown mugs, a boyds teddy bear and some other nice things. The evening started kind of slow, just a few people eight or so, but as the sun went down the fellas came out, and they were some fine lookin' fellas too. I'm here to tell ya. WOOF. Things picked up and I eventually made a good sum of money for our causes. I would like to think it was the drawings that brought the fellas out but actually I think it was the decent weather we had that day. This was my first time behind the (new)bar since June of last year, Once I found my way around the liquor and beer storage places and the new register I was doing well enough on my own. I still enjoyed having Tom with me though. He is great guy. I think next time I will have drawing for drinks rathet dealing with all the stuff I carried into the bar. I may even talk to Jeff and Jerry about purchasing a bottle of schanpps from them to have some kind of "WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR A FREE SHOT?" contest.
Hope all you local fellas can come out on Saturdays from 3p-9p and help support the bears raise money for local charities.

What I do when I am here at my full time job is, for the most part I do risk assessments on people in the community. Which for me is the southern half of Madison County Illinois. A risk assessment is when someone arrives to one of the hospital ER's or police stations because they are feeling suicidal homocidal of so pyschotic they are unable to care for themselves. I will meet with each person, conduct my battery of questions and from there will consult with ER staff and determine the most appropriate level of care. Sure, sounds simple, until you run into the roadblocks. You know like when all the area hospitals with psych wards are full, or a patient is too fraile to go to a psych ward. Believe me a psych ward is not for the fraile or faint of heart. These places can be down right frieghtening. In addition to this I also do funding assessments for people who have no insurance. Yeah there is a grant through the state that will pay for psychiatric treatment if you truly meet criteria. This is just a minute part of my job from sunday night until Wed morning and every other Sat. However that every other Sat I try to take off. I have been with this agency long enough now that I can use vacation time and comp time and not have to ever work a Sat. woo hooo! My part time is as a delivery person for a floral warehouse in STL. I deliver flowers to florist shops as far south as St Genivieve Mo. I like this job almost as much as the mental health job. and YES I do very much enjoy that job. Anyway I work at the warehouse Thur and Fri and every other Sat. It's a good job, keeps me off the sofa. My third job is working for myself, making pottery. I do this as soon as I get off work from the full time job, I put more work into this job than any other job I have. I try to come up with a new product or glaze once a year, I try to make enough inventory to have good opeing at the The Land of Goshen Community Market every year, and keep some inventory at the Main Street Gallery in Edwardsville as well. This is not easy. But it keeps me busy, sometimes too busy. then there are all the shows I set up for. I work from 9pm-9am sun mon and tues. on Thurs and Fri I work from 6 am to 3 pm and the Sat at the warehouse I work 6 am to 10 am. when I get off form the night job I will start making poetery until about 13:00-14:00 (1pm-2pm) I fillmy time spots in from time to time by volunteering for the showmebears.org. cleaning house and entertaining my two boyz Ford and Noodle. the above descriptions are just a brief description of what I do at each job, each have other components that have to completed as well.

Went to my mother's in southern Mo. Christmas Eve. Christmas day woke up to a sunny warm day. got dressed walked into the kitchen and had my first cup of coffee. Momma and I got to chattin about family things and suddenly half the day was gone. Completely forgot it was Christmas. We did our little exchange thing, watched some television and a cousin shows up and wished all a Merry Christmas and again we had forgotten it was Christmas. To top it all off with I left all my gifts in my Momma's kitchen. That's pretty much how christmas went for me this year. I am just glad it is over and people can get back to being themselves again. This time of year brings out the worst in people. My call logs here in the crisis office speaks volumes to this.
Maybe next year will be better.

I will be leaving work in about an hour. I will go home unload my work gear and load the holiday crap and head to southern Mo. to visit with my mother until tomarrow evening when I have to drive back up here so that I can be back to work bright and early on Friday. Not much of a holiday for me, but that is well enough. I have struggled harder this year than any other just to put a tree up. If it were not for the fact that I bout a tree from one of the jobs for a great price I would have not put one up anyway. Hell I paid more for the lights on the tree than I did the tree and it is a 7 footer. I thought it was interesting that there are only 75 ligts (C-7's)on the tree too. All is good as it really lights up the livingroom in my home. so to sumerize I will be driving 4 hours to my mothers after finishing my 13 hour shift last night. yee haaaa!! Friday can not get herre fast enough, maybe some of these people in the community will return to their nice pleasnat selves again. Because if I noticed anything about the holidays, it is that it truly brings out the evil in everyone. see ya

I just learned upon arrival to work last evening that my uncle (father's oldest brother) passed away on Thanksgiving day. The family knew that he and I were close (mostly due to both of us being gay). but he was a genuinely great person, always helped anyone and everyone. Anyway I learned he passed on Thanksgiving day and the way I learned was by e-mail. My father passed away almost 20 years ago. My uncle was 79 yo.
His younger sister is a homo hater. she is not homophobic she just flat out hates homosexuals, she tolerated my uncle because he was her older brother and had helped her out emensely through out her life. His sister is a very church oriented person with many skeletons she is hiding.
I can remember a time when I was married (long story) she had told me that when he visited after he kissed her on the cheeck after greeting or saying good bye's she would run into the bathroom and quickly wash her face. I very much dislike this woman and her family. As I look back I can remember her putting her self above every one else. She makes my skin crawl.

there now I feel some-what better.

R.I.P. Uncle Bub

Starts tomarrow. Early registration at JJ's 8pm.
it's here and I wish it was over. Between making pottery for the vendor's market and doing my obligory volunteer work I am exhausted to the point that I will not be able to enjoy myself. I will give it what I can and help if I can with time slots that have not been filled. but to me it seems like another job. geesh.

for exactly six minutes and few seconds today as I made my choice.
I voted.

I work every day, some of those days I work at least two jobs. here as of late, I would go in at 9pm and work until 7am (usually 9am) then go to my next job and work until 1pm. yeah that is 10 hrs at one job, drive 20 minutes to my next job and work another five and half hours then go home and sleep until about 7pm and do this again as many as three times a week. I will not be able to keep this up. I usally work from 9pm to 9am at the full time job sun mon and tue. then go home make pottery for about 4-5 hours then on wed I would nap after work and fisish pottery started at he beginning of the week, thurs I work at the warehouse from 7am until 3 pm. will run errands after work then go to darts at 07:30pm and be there until about 11:30pm or midnight and go home and be at work at 7:00am Friday. then it is a little rest at home with my boyz. ( I have the workd's greatest dogs) then SAt I use to wake up at 5:00am and load my truck to sell my wares at the market, but now I have to go to the warehouse. Sundays are always in the craft alliance pottery studio glzing pots that have been bisque fired. which has yet to take less than the 3-4 hours that I am there. Today a friend and I went to the Mo. Botanical Gardens after time in the studio. If you don't make it with the next couple days I fear you will have missed some of the most beautiful fall foilage you will get to see this season. ABSOLUTELY beautiful. wish I had the capacity to show yo some of the pictures I took. WOW!!!!!!!!!

I have been given a nickname, and yes it is Junebug. It came from a fella I work with at my part time job at a warehouse. He is a nice enough fella, but one of those people who has to be speaking all the time, and yes that alone is quite annoying at times.. A short time after he started working there, he had referred to me as "grasshopper" from the tv program "kung fu" to which I started calling him cricket, not because he is african american, short/small in stature and always chirping, but because grasshoppers and crickets are somewhat alike. Very much unlike the two of us. However I told him I was calling him that because he reminded me of an obese caucasion stripper with few teeth and thining hair, I had seen at a biker dive bar in So. IL one time. Just to rub his goat a little, I suppose and as an attempt to get him to stop calling me grasshopper. Which he did, he just started calling me Junebug. so I just ignored it for a few months, he did not. Some times he would refer to me as "june the fucking bug". Anyway one Friday after work my boss, who is also a good friend, and I went to play video bowling, a game at our favorite watering hole, with one of the owner's while the other owner tends bar. The boss gets a little buzz going on (well actually he gets shitfaced plastered ass drunk) and let it slip. Called my Junebug in the bar, well that was the end of that. Jeff the bar owner seemed to like it so well he completely forgot my name and has been calling me Junebug ever since. now everyone, from the dart league guys to the whole staff at JJ's refers to me as junebug. i went to several of the Showmebears events and I was called Junebug. I suppose it is better than some of the names my sibblings have called me. one expample would be "peterpuffing fudge packing dog shit sniffing drag queen". Oh well there is a bit of love in there somewere.

What is it?
Were is it?
and why can't I find it any more?

just asking.

Not because it is halloween, because two of my jobs have had some staff changes which has them calling on me to help fill in bare spots here and there, then there is my devoted time to the showmebears to help with the decorations for Hibearnation, then I have to make enough pottery to sell at the vensor's market at Hibearnation. Running on about three and half hours of sleep these days. I am so grateful for caffiene and 5 hour energy drinks. I only have three more weeks to go. btw The cabin in the clubhouse looks fantastic.

If anyone has any ideas about what would sell pottery wise at Hibearnation shoot them my way. I been making mugs with bear and cub written on them and will have others with bears silouettes and bear paws on them. they seemed to have gone well my last time at the market. Also there are bowls of various sizes. time is running out so I will have to work diligently on getting things done in a timely manner.

have a good one and make plans to come to Hibearnation. It is possibly the best one ever.